I looked in the mirror

Guess what I saw?

The reflection that stared back at me

Revealed I’m bald, I’m bald, I’m bald, I’m bald, I’m bald

When I was twenty, I’d get ID’d

Ten years later, nursing homes were approaching me

Aging gracefully’s a hollow refrain

When you watch your hair slide down the shower drain

They polled women, and they said they don’t care

Then how come every leader since Ford’s got a full head of hair?

We can’t have our bosses be hair deficient

That’s why there’s a job in back as vice president

Meet my friend Roberto

He’s bald

You should hear the range of insults that he’s called

He could be a winner instead

If he had any hair left on his head

He’s got to do a comb over like a fool

Double O Seven’s a cool kind of guy

Would we have thought the same had he been a balding spy?

I’d wager James wouldn’t be Double O-kay

Now you get the picture why the first Bond wore a toupee

I run into a friend, she asks, “Are you doing fine?”

I’d say, “Couldn’t be better” if it weren’t for receding hairlines

The bad hair days of my youth are missed

At least I had hair then to look bad to get me pissed

Meet my friend Dmitrios

He’s bald

You should see the way his career prospects have stalled

He was in line for a raise

Till his hairline averted their gaze

He’s got to do a comb over like a fool

Rogaine wouldn’t grow it

Propecia wouldn’t slow it

There goes my hair

Life isn’t fair

I’m bald, I’m bald, I’m bald, I’m bald, I’m bald

They say the bald form the Virile Brigade

Am I supposed to feel better ‘cause when I’m bald I won’t be getting laid

Girls can’t be troubled with sticking around

They’ll beat a hasty exit like the last hairs did on my crown

I consult a doctor, he’s a transplant freak

He examines my scalp, shakes his head, the prognosis is bleak:

“Avoid mirrors unless you’re eager to cry,

And show up at auditions for the lead in The King and I.”

Meet my friend Akash

He’s bald

You can feel his sex appeal’s been mauled

Meet my friend Igor

He’s bald

Meet my friend Juha

He’s bald

Dated 14 November 2010. Click here to see a list of complete video and audio content on the Republic. To read all about Doug’s impressions of hair loss, click here

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