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The Black Sea Golden Coast. This is
Bulgaria as far as we’re concerned.
Have we not said it enough times?
To make your stay the least painful, enter Bulgaria and leave Bulgaria
from the Black Sea coastal area.
This introduces other problems.
Several countries have coastlines off the Black Sea, none are really
worth visiting. An absurd situation
arises in which you’ll analogously be climbing over alligators to end up in a
lion’s cage. That is not an issue
we need to be concerned with.
We’re not going to Bulgaria. You
are, and you enter at your own risk of mediocre experiences.
Mediocrity is one thing we can guarantee, all the way around.
When confronted with various options of pain, you naturally choose the option
that is the least painful. That is
how to look at this problem. The
Ukraine, Romania, Turkey, Georgia, and
Russia have Black Sea coastlines.
If you enter the Black Sea at any one of these entry points, a swim
and/or canoe ride (none of these countries have yet discovered you can put a
motors on a boat) will get you to Bulgaria’s Black Sea coastline.
So which of these hell holes is it?
Romania should be avoided. People
who have close relatives in Romania even avoid Romania.
The Ukraine is also not an option.
For years as part of the Soviet Union they defecated on their beaches to
keep the Russians off. Russians had
to visit the Black Sea along their own little strip of land.
It wasn’t very pleasant. They
had to sunbathe on the peaks of the Caucasas Mountains which obscure the
coastline. Trust us.
The Caucasas Mountains are not a good place to launch a boat or dive off
of to begin your long swim. This
leaves Georgia and Turkey.
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| How many times do we have to repeat it? WATERPROOF YOUR
PASSPORT! |
Georgia deserves more of a visit. In
the twentieth century, Georgia has absorbed many of the traditions of its sister
Georgia in the deep south of the USA.
In European Georgia, you can still get away with calling a black person a
nigger
and Georgian fried chicken outlets have spread throughout the whole area.
Turkey is more restricted.
But if you can live with muzzeins screaming off-key Koranic chants at 4
AM and again at 5:18 AM and again at 7:27 AM,
it’s probably a better way to get to the Black Sea coast.
Virtually all of Turkey’s north borders the Black Sea.
You can dive in wherever you please.
The most common diving point is the bridge which connects European
Istanbul to Asian Istanbul.
Many Turks come here to commit suicide, survive the fall, and swim to Bulgaria
to actually make a good living for themselves.
Swimming has become such a common mode of entry that the Bulgarians have
stationed aquatic scuba border control guards near the Bulgarian coastline.
Most of them prefer to scan your passport while they’re underwater, so
whatever you do, WATERPROOF YOUR PASSPORT!
If
you get off on this sort of thing, be forewarned that there are no black
people in European Georgia.
You’d be best advised to bring your own.
Eddie Murphy came here with his wife in 1997 and the two spent
their entire trip calling each other niggers.
Had they done this to each other in the USA, they would have had
to sue each other afterwards.
They
say Jews and several sects of born again Christianity still can’t get
into some of the elite country clubs in Turkey.
Snooze
alarms can be left at home.
For an extra fee, many hotels in Turkey will wake you up with a Koranic
chant at any hour you specify.
They will then shut up for ten minutes allowing you to drift off
again, just before assaulting your eardrums again with a louder, more
obscene chant. You can drift
off as many times as you want by hitting a button, but this is not
advisable. After the third
or fourth chant, you may be deaf.
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